The loss of the daughter to the mother,
the mother to the daughter
is the essential female tragedy
-- Adrienne Rich, Of Woman Born
Chapter One
I didn't lose my mother to death or murder.
Drugs took my mother's heart and soul in 1985.
I promise that I wish that she had died that summer,
with everything in full bloom. It had been sixteen months since sixteen months since my sister and I were taken out of our little two bedroom home. We riped from my mother's arms and talem to some strange white woman's house. I had just turned eight years old and scared to death of the entire world around me. My asthema seemed unbearable. I was grateful to have been sent to live with my grandmother in Vineland, New Jeresy. The country seemed to do good for my young soul, and I learned to smile again. I was grateful for the small things like my cousin Rochelle coming to visit from Chicago. She visited me nearly every summer until my little sister and I moved back to Chicago. We lived with our single father who had no idea of how to deal with his own children's emotions especially girls. He did try his best to raise two females who were just entering into puberty. Whenever it was time to focus on female issues like my first period, my father would have me call Rochelle's mother. He would take me to their intact family household to talk about what he deemed as "pretty" things. I talked to Rochelle's mother named Janice about my menustral cycle and pads to where. My cousin Janice did my hair and bought my clothes for class pictures.
Like most families who lost a mother, mine coped as best as it could; which meant, essentially, that we avoided all the discussion of the loss and pretended to pick up exactly where we left off. We were not an expessive family to begin with, and we had little idea of how to morn. There were no psychological discussions on the impact of the loss of a mother would do to a young girl's image of herself. My father did not believe in much talking unless it was during a drunk moment. We had no friends or family who had dealt with the loss of a mother. We had no friends or family during the 1980's who 'd been through a familiar situation, no blueprint for action, no bult-in support. I had become a mother to my younger sister who I tried to protect her from missing a mother. During those seven years without her, we built a routine that sort of look like a family with the routines of schoolwork, track team practice, forming a music group, vacations, and bimonthly appointments to get my hair done as if a central family member was so dispensable that required only a small reshuffling of household chores. Anger, guilt, sadness, grief--we were all emotions that flew around our household like bullets making anyone a victim at sparse moments of time.
The only emotion that I searched and yearned for was love. I mean unconditional love. Stumbling through some old photographs, I see his face and stubborn expression. Nathan Anthony Thomas, my father's daughter, was deep-brown and with eyes that could search through your soul. His lean athlete figure displayed years of being a proud Naval officer. He was a youthful, twenty-six-year-old, possessing the boyish face of a teen. Nathan wore no mustache or beard, obeying his self-imposed hygiene regulation. He believed that his clean-shaven face presented a healthy and professional appearance. His appearance was due to the fact that his wife, Tracy, was a beautician. But the 15-year old girl holding this determined man was not Tracy...It was a a young girl who I barely even recognize. So young..too young, I would say today and mean it; but I never was ashamed or guilty of this love.
When I met him I wasn't looking for love, hell, I thought this old man needs to go talk to someone else. I want everyone to know that I didn't know he was married or his actual age. My mother who hadn't been in my life for nearly eight years encouraged me to give him a call back. He moved quickly and did things to me and for me that I had only dreamed of as a child.
I wasn't prepared for his charm but I soaked it up like one of my grandmother's old country biscuits; he wined and dined me to the point that I was sure he was just a fantasy. I mean something from a Disney Movie. But oh., my love was very real. He was intelligent, sexy, a hard worker, and a body that made most girls melt. Did I say this brother was sexy? I know that my daughter would be so surprised to hear me speak of her father like this; however, I know that my baby was created out of my genuine love for another human being even if we did not last eight years.
As my daughter experiences her very first heart break, I am forced to remember the pain. These are the things that I would tell anyone about a first love:
I admit that nothing is ever quite as painful as getting over your first love. It's not just any love. You thought you'd spend the rest of your lives together. You made plans for the future to live together or go to college together. You have loads of jokes and memories of the time you spent together. Now that it's over, you're scared that you'll never find anyone to ever replace them, or maybe you're just afraid that you won't ever be as happy with someone else. There are no miracle cures to getting over your first love but giving it time and focusing on your needs are good places to begin.
The only emotion that I searched and yearned for was love. I mean unconditional love. Stumbling through some old photographs, I see his face and stubborn expression. Nathan Anthony Thomas, my father's daughter, was deep-brown and with eyes that could search through your soul. His lean athlete figure displayed years of being a proud Naval officer. He was a youthful, twenty-six-year-old, possessing the boyish face of a teen. Nathan wore no mustache or beard, obeying his self-imposed hygiene regulation. He believed that his clean-shaven face presented a healthy and professional appearance. His appearance was due to the fact that his wife, Tracy, was a beautician. But the 15-year old girl holding this determined man was not Tracy...It was a a young girl who I barely even recognize. So young..too young, I would say today and mean it; but I never was ashamed or guilty of this love.
When I met him I wasn't looking for love, hell, I thought this old man needs to go talk to someone else. I want everyone to know that I didn't know he was married or his actual age. My mother who hadn't been in my life for nearly eight years encouraged me to give him a call back. He moved quickly and did things to me and for me that I had only dreamed of as a child.
I wasn't prepared for his charm but I soaked it up like one of my grandmother's old country biscuits; he wined and dined me to the point that I was sure he was just a fantasy. I mean something from a Disney Movie. But oh., my love was very real. He was intelligent, sexy, a hard worker, and a body that made most girls melt. Did I say this brother was sexy? I know that my daughter would be so surprised to hear me speak of her father like this; however, I know that my baby was created out of my genuine love for another human being even if we did not last eight years.
As my daughter experiences her very first heart break, I am forced to remember the pain. These are the things that I would tell anyone about a first love:
I admit that nothing is ever quite as painful as getting over your first love. It's not just any love. You thought you'd spend the rest of your lives together. You made plans for the future to live together or go to college together. You have loads of jokes and memories of the time you spent together. Now that it's over, you're scared that you'll never find anyone to ever replace them, or maybe you're just afraid that you won't ever be as happy with someone else. There are no miracle cures to getting over your first love but giving it time and focusing on your needs are good places to begin.
1. Realize that you have to reach a point of wanting to get over your ex.
2. Cut off all communication with your ex
3. Do not hook up at all with your ex
4. When the going gets tough, recall why the two of you broke up
5. Realize that just because this relationship is over, it doesn't mean that you'll never find love again
6. Don't try to get through this alone
7. Be open and honest about how you're feeling.
8. Let yourself cry if you want to.
9. Use your breakup as an opportunity to become the person you have always wanted to be
10. Do anything you can to make yourself feel desirable and confident again
11. Endure the pain and loneliness bravely. With time, the pain will heal. Are you a strong person who can get through this or a weak one who will wither from one failed relationship? Don't succumb to weakness. Retain your pride and hold your head up. There's nothing better than that.
- Always remember that you're better off without him or her because someone who you thought loved you but leaves isn't worth your tears or pain... "Never cry for someone that will never cry for you."
- With maturity, your capacity to love another human being grows. Be grateful for the experience of your first love.
- Recognize that you have the power of choice in your life. You can choose to be held back by this loss or you can choose to learn from it and move on to a wiser, more compassionate person.
- No relationship is ever a mistake if you can get something out of it, such as learning something new about yourself. You might learn that you are indeed a very stubborn person so this might be the opportunity to change yourself for the better and to become a more open-minded person. You might also learn that you are a very jealous lover, in which case you can take steps to becoming a less jealous boyfriend or girlfriend. You will heal with time, but it will not happen overnight.
Real Talk.
Thank-You Baby Girl for
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